When I was 37 weeks pregnant with Cohen I went for an ultrasound that confirmed he was breech. It didn’t come as a total shock because for the month or two previous my midwives had been going back and forth on whether or not the big bulge up by the right side of my ribs was a head or a bum. I suspected it was his head all along, but everyone assured me there was still time, and surely he would turn on his own. Well turn he did not, and so I ended up with a scheduled C-section, my first major surgery.
All through those last 5 weeks of pregnancy I prayed and pleaded with God to turn this boy around. If God can work an immaculate conception for Mary, certainly He could just do a little 180 on my boy! But it wasn’t to be. And on June 24th I faced some of my greatest fears (needles, surgery, blood, hospitals) and Cohen Alexander was born. Now that I’m nearly 33 weeks into my second pregnancy, all the memories of the first are coming back because this baby girl is also breech. And even though I miraculously got a midwife (the same one I worked with the first time around), I may not get the VBAC I’m so hoping and praying for. My midwife says that the success rate for VBAC’s is 80%, which sounds quite promising. But that is only IF she turns head down and only IF she doesn’t go overdue (they won’t induce for a VBAC). And I can’t help but remember that Cohen never turned and and I didn’t go into labor even after being 2 weeks overdue.
It’s hard to feel hopeful. It’s hard to believe that this baby might have turned, as the midwife suspected at my last appointment. It’s hard to allow myself to imagine going through labor and delivery (not something I really want to go through) rather than another surgery and recovery. It’s hard not to be scared of either option…the one I’ve never experienced, and the one that brings me face-to-face with lifelong phobias. And it’s hard to pray about any of it because a part of me doubts my prayers make any difference.
I prayed and believed Cohen would turn and he didn’t. So now I pray, and believe a little less that baby girl will turn. Sometimes just praying about it feels like getting my hopes up and I just don’t want to be disappointed again. But what I do know is that one way or another, this tiny human being will be in my arms in 8-10 weeks, and will totally rock my world and bless my buns off. What I do know is that even though I had to go through an unwanted C-section, God was with me every step of the way and I’ve never looked back with regret. What I do know is that whether baby girls turns or not, there is no shadow of turning in thee.
God is faithful and has never let me down. And come what may, He will be both my strength and my song.
“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” – Psalm 28:70