When I’m Afraid

When I was 37 weeks pregnant with Cohen I went for an ultrasound that confirmed he was breech. It didn’t come as a total shock because for the month or two previous my midwives had been going back and forth on whether or not the big bulge up by the right side of my ribs was a head or a bum. I suspected it was his head all along, but everyone assured me there was still time, and surely he would turn on his own. Well turn he did not, and so I ended up with a scheduled C-section, my first major surgery.

All through those last 5 weeks of pregnancy I prayed and pleaded with God to turn this boy around. If God can work an immaculate conception for Mary, certainly He could just do a little 180 on my boy! But it wasn’t to be. And on June 24th I faced some of my greatest fears (needles, surgery, blood, hospitals) and Cohen Alexander was born. Now that I’m nearly 33 weeks into my second pregnancy, all the memories of the first are coming back because this baby girl is also breech. And even though I miraculously got a midwife (the same one I worked with the first time around), I may not get the VBAC I’m so hoping and praying for. My midwife says that the success rate for VBAC’s is 80%, which sounds quite promising. But that is only IF she turns head down and only IF she doesn’t go overdue (they won’t induce for a VBAC). And I can’t help but remember that Cohen never turned and and I didn’t go into labor even after being 2 weeks overdue.

It’s hard to feel hopeful. It’s hard to believe that this baby might have turned, as the midwife suspected at my last appointment. It’s hard to allow myself to imagine going through labor and delivery (not something I really want to go through) rather than another surgery and recovery. It’s hard not to be scared of either option…the one I’ve never experienced, and the one that brings me face-to-face with lifelong phobias. And it’s hard to pray about any of it because a part of me doubts my prayers make any difference.

I prayed and believed Cohen would turn and he didn’t. So now I pray, and believe a little less that baby girl will turn. Sometimes just praying about it feels like getting my hopes up and I just don’t want to be disappointed again. But what I do know is that one way or another, this tiny human being will be in my arms in 8-10 weeks, and will totally rock my world and bless my buns off. What I do know is that even though I had to go through an unwanted C-section, God was with me every step of the way and I’ve never looked back with regret. What I do know is that whether baby girls turns or not, there is no shadow of turning in thee.

God is faithful and has never let me down. And come what may, He will be both my strength and my song.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” – Psalm 28:7

6 thoughts on “When I’m Afraid

  1. I hear you sister. Sometimes I don’t want to pray about certain things because I feel the tension between praying what I WANT and just trusting what HE WANTS. I mean, if we pray that we be in God’s will 100% of the time, should we pray for the things we desire? The Bible says yes, but in my mind it doesn’t always make sense.

    But you’re right about God being faithful. He surely is. When we don’t understand or can’t quite figure things out, when we feel tired or frustrated, He is faithful. He is our strength and shield, and he never gives up on us. Love ya sister!

    1. Thank you so much for this encouraging reminder Kerrie. Yes, it’s hard to take the risk of trusting God, but he truly is One who keeps His promises, and really has all the resources to do so! How could I ever doubt? Thanks again for the love. xoxo

  2. I know this fear, not the breach, but the am I going to have another csection or a vbac. A few things have you tried the exercises to try and flip her? And if she does go overdue and is head down, I’m not sure if it’ll work for you, but the midwife I was working with induced me with nip stim using a hospital grade breast pump {worked perfectly} I will be praying for you and no matter what you will have no doubt God is right there with you throughout the whole situation. I love your honesty in this post.

    1. Katie, well at this point I’m just waiting for our fetal assessment to find out if she is for sure breech or not. But yes, my midwife and I will do all we can for a successful VBAC. However, I know from last time that sometimes you do “everything” and still end up with a c-section. Thanks so much for your comment and I’m praying for you and a healthy birth! xoxo

  3. Ah honey, I totally know what you mean when it comes to the prayer thing…..sometimes I almost feel selfish asking for things to be done, or change, etc as I think that it should always be His will not mine, I also think sometimes what is the point when He already knows my concerns, my worries and what I’m about to ask for!! But I am just reminded of sometimes we might pray for certain things to happen and although God wants to fulfill our desires and wishes, sometimes things need to happen to make us stronger, but also sometimes what we go through is not for our own sake but for someone else! Through my miscarriage I had unbelievable sense of calm, God kept reassuring me that something good was going to come from it and that I can use my testemony for others later on!!! Good did come from that, my darling Lael got to be with God’s army straight away and not ever enduring the sin of this world and I am now happily pregnant with another!!! I’m not saying its the same as having a breech baby but one day a girl might be going through the same fears, maybe even your own daughter and you can look back on this and gently guide them through it as well as share your story. People that have shared with me certain things have given me great courage and I look to God and He always provides strength!!! You can’t see the forest through the trees… we need to think of the bigger picture and remember that the enemy wants to sway us but if we stay faithful to God, His love will prevail and ultimately we are the ones that get to enjoy eternity with our Saviour! I will be praying for you but remember fear is not of God and He will guide you through this!!! Love you and thanks for sharing!! Blessings xxx

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