It’s been quite some time since I’ve written. My mind has been distracted and my heart discouraged since hearing the news that my baby is breech.
At my 36 week appointment with my midwife she suspected that baby’s head was up and sent me for a fetal assessment. At 37 weeks and 1 day the assessment confirmed he was indeed breech and because it was my first pregnancy, I wasn’t a candidate for a procedure where the doctor attempts to turn the baby from the outside.
Only 3-4% of babies are breech and so I had honestly never considered the possibility that I would actually be one of them. All along I pictured a natural birth with my midwife by my side and suddenly I was being transferred to the care of an obstetrician I’d never met and considering the idea of a C-section. Needless to say, it really threw me. I cried a lot that first day, mostly out of fear. I’ve always had some apprehension about labor and delivery, especially because I hate hospitals, needles, blood and the idea of surgery. (One time when I was 11 or 12 I almost passed out just knowing my brother was in the other room having his blood taken. It’s pretty bad.)
But now all those fears were compounded as the option of a natural birth was gone.
There will be needles involved.
The funny thing is, in so many other aspects of my life I would consider myself “fearless”. Ask me to jump off a 40 ft cliff into freezing cold lake water and I’ll be the first to jump and to convince you to jump right after me. Put me on a stage in front of hundreds of teenagers and I’ll feel nothing but excitement. But tell me that I might even possibly have to have my blood taken, an IV put in, or a major surgery and I’ll melt like a puddle at your feet.
I know fear isn’t good. It’s not from God. The bible says perfect love casts out fear and that God is love. So I’ve been asking myself this question:
“What is it about God’s character that I don’t yet understand?”
If I understood God completely and knew him perfectly, I would not be afraid – the truth of his perfect love would cast out all fear. But my knees are still knocking.
And as I approach the 40 week mark, I can honestly say I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m so afraid. I don’t know why I can’t just trust in God’s goodness, knowing he’ll carry me through any situation I may face.
But I do know he is faithful and each day I sing these words over my fear, my baby, my upcoming labor and delivery:
“Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
there is no shadow of turning in thee.”
At this point our plan is to try a breech birth (which you can read more about here) with a very experienced and competent obstetrician. If it doesn’t work, there are complications, or I go two weeks overdue, I will be having a C-section. I really appreciate all of your prayers and at this point would ask that you not comment with advice of how I can turn my baby. (Trust me, I’ve tried it all!) I know your mamma’s sister’s best friend’s baby turned at the last minute, and I’m still asking God for a miracle, but your prayers are what I covet most.
And just so you know, I know this story has a happy ending! Hopefully in a few days or weeks at the most, I’ll be writing with the exciting news that our little one has arrived, safe and sound!
Thank you for your prayers and support!