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It’s Different Now

Cohen is coming up on his 7 week birthday and I’m starting to come out of the six-week Mommy fog.  They say those first six weeks are a blur and I can testify they are right, whoever they are.  Sleep deprivation, recovering from surgery, figuring out nursing and diapers and timing and how to clip those tiny nails, it really does a number on ya.   But it’s also true what they say – it’s totally worth it.

Life is different now.

Now my life isn’t about me and my wants and needs.  It’s all about this cute face.

My life is about sustaining his.  It’s the greatest sacrifice I’ve ever had to make and once again I can see why God does things the way He does.

I thought marriage was the ultimate in terms of realizing how selfish I can be.  But parenting one-ups marriage by about a gazillion.  I always said getting married was like holding up a mirror to all my selfish parts – but having a baby is like one of those extra-magnifying mirrors, the ones that make every pore on your face look like a huge crater.  But it also reflects a love like you’ve never known before.

It’s calling me to a higher level, a more Christ-like place.  One where sacrifice is the only way to make it work and work well.  The one where I die to self (a hard death, might I add) and find that life can be so much fuller, richer and better than I ever thought possible.

As I start to do some of the normal things I used to, like watersking and wakesurfing at the cabin this past weekend, I see the gifts I’ve always taken for granted in a new way.

When I catch 4 or 5 hours of sleep in a row, realization hits: my time and my life is not my own.  It never was, but I see it now.

I see it when I look down in the the deep blue eyes of my boy as he nurses at 3am, gaining his strength and energy directly from mine.  Though I look through bleary and blood shot eyes, I see the goodness of sacrifice more than ever before.

It’s different now, and I’m glad.

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