There are about a dozen boxes piled around me, blankets and pillows piled everywhere from the kids fort building this morning, and dirty dishes piled in the sink. Our home is messy and disorganized and kind of uncomfortable right now. Everything’s not in its place and I’m left feeling excited and anxious.
In just under 36 hours we leave for Redding California and my first year at BSSM. Everything about our lives is about to change. I’ve spent the last few weeks making appointments, running errands, writing lists, and saying to my friends and family “see you soon”. It’s been fun and busy and disorienting, because this girl who loves adventure and change is also kinda scared of adventure and change.
You see, I get caught up. I get caught up in rushing around the house packing suitcases and boxes, deciding which toys stay and which ones come. I worry about whether or not I’m bringing enough books for the kids and how I’ll get all the laundry done when they just keep making more. And beneath all of that my heart wonders if this is really the right thing. What if I uproot my family and move them across the continent and it all turns out to be a huge mistake?
It’s happened before. Just months after Alex and I got married, we moved our lives across the world because we wanted an adventure and felt led by God. We went to serve, bless and be apart of a church community, to grow and be mentored and what we got was the exact opposite. So I can’t help but wonder, what if it happens again? And this time with two kids along for the ride?
But as I was rushing around the house today, I was stopped by another memory. A memory of a word a dear friend gave me just a few months ago. She’d met me for the first time that day and knew little of my story or my heart. But when she started praying for me, laying her hands on me, I began to weep. And she spoke of this very day.
She said she saw me rushing around the house, preparing, getting ready for something big. She said God saw that I’d been preparing for years and that He was proud of my faithfulness. But then she said something that surprised me. “Heather, you can’t prepare for what I have in store for you. What’s next is so big that there is nothing you can do to be ready for it. And what’s next won’t be the result of how hard you hustled, it will be birthed out of rest”.
Then she saw Jesus come up to me, take what I was holding out of my hand, and place His hand in mine.
And I’m holding on to that right now. I’m holding on to Him and remembering these words –
“What’s coming next is not from your hustle, but from My rest.”